The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
