I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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