Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
