I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
