stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
