last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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