Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
