I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
