oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Houston, we have a blender
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
