Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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