Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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