dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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