my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.