Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
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Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
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Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.