Texts From Last Night

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  (650): View more from California

  Get your hand out of your ass!

  (734): View more from Michigan

  how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?

  (650): View more from California

  In your belly button

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  (650): Get your hand out of your ass! (734): how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..? (650): In your belly button http://tfl.nu/hvbh
  Replies (3) Good night (1080) Bad night (1306)
• Favorite

  (715): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.

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  (715): I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover. http://tfl.nu/vijq
  Replies (7) Good night (809) Bad night (3897)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...

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  (248): I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby... http://tfl.nu/0zej
  Replies (17) Good night (1733) Bad night (5631)
• Favorite

  (925): View more from California

  First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.

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  (925): First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me. http://tfl.nu/pldx
  Replies (14) Good night (2643) Bad night (848)
• Favorite

  (519): View more from Ontario

  There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge

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  (519): There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge http://tfl.nu/5e7p
  Replies (5) Good night (1564) Bad night (709)
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  (518): View more from New York

  I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights

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  (518): I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights http://tfl.nu/wcuo
  Replies (3) Good night (1410) Bad night (510)
• Favorite

  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.

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  (603): FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment. http://tfl.nu/9ddg
  Replies (6) Good night (657) Bad night (1094)
• Favorite

  (773): View more from Illinois

  I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."

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  (773): I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye." http://tfl.nu/jcze
  Replies (2) Good night (704) Bad night (579)
• Favorite

  (757): View more from Virginia

  All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.

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  (757): All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude. http://tfl.nu/k2dr
  Replies (4) Good night (1424) Bad night (449)
• Favorite

  (248): View more from Michigan

  I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.

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  (248): I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up. http://tfl.nu/qg1r
  Replies (5) Good night (372) Bad night (1206)
• Favorite

  (517): View more from Michigan

  It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair

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  (517): It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair http://tfl.nu/cxxw
  Replies (4) Good night (378) Bad night (738)
• Favorite

  (423): View more from Tennessee

  Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...

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  (423): Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple... http://tfl.nu/apqw
  Replies (2) Good night (618) Bad night (308)
• Favorite

  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.

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  (412): the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants. http://tfl.nu/nmqh
  Replies (3) Good night (639) Bad night (241)
• Favorite

  (989): View more from Michigan

  Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"

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  (989): Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?" http://tfl.nu/ww6f
  Replies (1) Good night (405) Bad night (219)
• Favorite

  (508): View more from Massachusetts

  Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language

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  (508): Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language http://tfl.nu/6y9g
  Replies (5) Good night (701) Bad night (303)

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