you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
