In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
