I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
