I think my vagina is haunted
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
