Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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