So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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