awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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