mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
