Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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