I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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