two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
