I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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