what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
