Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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