I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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