But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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