I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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