i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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