he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
