i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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