so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
