I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
