i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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