I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
