There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
