You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
