I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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