Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
