I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
