Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
