I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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