There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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