You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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