i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
