i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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