just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
