dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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