My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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