Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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