Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
