You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
