My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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