I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
