dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
