remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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