Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
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