Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
