i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Can you bring me the toilet please
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
