He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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